Welcome to the Sandwich Generation. You’re caring for young children AND aging parents. You’re always hosting everything, and these holidays are no exception. That pressure to always “be on” and create holiday magic for your kids can leave you feeling like you’re responsible for EVERYTHING and get to actually enjoy NOTHING.
Research tells us that the pressure parents feel, the invisible “mental load” that we carry, isn’t good for us. It contributes to symptoms of anxiety and depression, to social isolation, chronic fatigue, burnout, and fear. But instead of using this information to make change, studies are finding that we are – as a society – increasing our expectations and demands of parents. Parental loneliness and isolation are at an ALL-TIME HIGH, and American parents score among the lowest on overall satisfaction surveys due to a lack of support from the larger community and society.
An anthropologist in the 80s studied the pressure on parents over the holidays and found that “invisible labor” is an enormous burden that goes unappreciated year after year.
– Planning & Preparing Meals
– Purchasing, Wrapping, & Sending Gifts
– Guilt Over Cutting Out Time-Consuming Traditions
– Negotiating Family Conflicts
– Planning Calls & Visits
– Holiday Cards
So the question is, what can you do differently this year to make it a little easier?
Here are our top tips to survive the holiday chaos this year:
Set boundaries. Many of us are MUCH better at setting boundaries with our children than with our own parents, friends, and extended families. Why? Because our old patterns from childhood are closer than we may think. We want to please everyone, we fear retribution or negative feedback, we have a family “reputation” to uphold (good or bad), we are constantly trying to change the narrative, etc., etc., the list goes on and on. Try owning your feelings, saying “NO” to what doesn’t work for you, and communicating with those around you about what you need.
Own your feelings. If you can’t admit to feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it is harder for you to ask for and accept help in improving the situation for yourself (and your family). Try setting aside a few minutes before the chaos begins and checking in with what you’re worried about, excited for, anxious around, or scared of. Say these out loud or write them down, and offer yourself forgiveness and understanding for wherever you are in the process.
Take back the joy. If you feel well and relaxed, the holidays will be better for everyone involved. Instead of feeling selfish, recognize that changes are in the service of the entire family, and benefit all of you.
Get rid of rituals that don’t work for you. Instead of doing things the “way they’ve always been done,” try doing things the way it works for you and do more of what you love. Find activities that bring you joy, new or old traditions you love, opportunities to laugh, and do more of them.
Assign tasks when you can. Giving jobs to kids and elders alike can make people feel useful and involved. Give away tasks that you don’t need to control yourself, and think of it as a way to promote participation and a sense of joy for all of your participants.
Set age-appropriate expectations. Can your child sit through a 3-hour dinner? Will they be able to sleep alone upstairs in a new place? Do they like playing with their cousins? Do they enjoy museums? Take a moment to be realistic about your holiday plans, not idealistic. Acknowledging the challenges doesn’t mean you avoid plans, just that you prepare for them.
Focus on enjoying current moments, not making beautiful IG posts. Enjoy life while it is happening instead of trying to capture it as you wish it was. We can all get so focused on the ideas in our minds that we forget to read the cues and signals all around us.
Practice forgiveness. For yourself, for others, for just about everything holiday-related.
Use a schedule to manage expectations. Find your 10 minutes. What activity brings you back to baseline? A run? A shower? 10 minutes of a renovation show on HGTV? Find something that works for you and PRIORITIZE it every day. Have a code word with another family member or partner (and let them establish their own) and tag in and out when needed.
Family in town? Try making a schedule of when and where you’ll be hosting (and not) with ideas for them to do on their own if they need to. Having clear expectations of when everyone will be (and will not be) available, can help to avoid conflict.
Finally, Remember what really counts. Holidays should be about moments of connection between you and your child (and family). Relationships, and true attachment, are built by struggling through hard moments and mistakes with your kids, not avoiding them and making it all look pretty. It isn’t the pictures, the Pinterest boards, the hors d’oeuvres, or the gifts. When you can keep priorities straight, it’s easier to let go of the things that don’t ultimately matter.