The loss of a beloved pet is often a young child’s first encounter with grief. While it’s normal to want to protect your child from the pain of loss, it’s important to have open, honest conversations that help set the stage for their future ability to process grief.
The reality is that we don’t want to shield our kids from loss. It’s a universal and inevitable aspect of life, and having a healthy relationship with loss can stave off future issues as they grow. Engaging openly and compassionately in these discussions prevents children from forming their own, often more distressing, narratives about death. It also creates space for them to safely process their emotions, move through hard moments, and emerge stronger with emotional tools to navigate future experiences of loss.
Start with what they know:
Many kids are first exposed to themes of death and grief indirectly through movies or stories. From Snow White to The Lion King, to Moana, grief is a core part of many storylines. While this can be a starting point for developing empathy for a character experiencing loss, it’s often abstract and distant from your child’s everyday life. Because of this, even if your child has heard about death before, experiencing loss directly for the first time can be distressing and confusing. If your child has experienced other losses – or heard indirectly about losses for you or in your family – you can reference those as applicable. Focus on similar feelings of grief, ways you worked on recovering, and how you feel today.
Why don’t American parents talk about death? How death is talked about is deeply influenced by culture. In many American families, discussing death with kids is often avoided compared to other cultures where loss and grief are talked about more openly, according to research. All over the world, festivals are dedicated to honoring the dead, from the Hungry Ghost Festival in China to El Día de los Muertos in Mexico.
Many American parents sugarcoat challenging topics and shield their children from death. If that feels like your experience, then that can have a lot to do with OUR discomfort as parents around death, or how we were raised. Although it can feel uncomfortable to talk about it, death is a part of life, and when you discuss it openly and honestly with your child, research shows that children will be better equipped to handle grief as adults.
Guidelines for How to Talk About Pet Loss with Your Child:
Keep in mind that it’s important to tailor your approach to your specific circumstances and your child’s temperament.
Be Honest and Avoid Euphemisms: Using euphemisms like “lost”, “passed away”, or “fell asleep” may seem gentler, but it can lead to confusion, fears around going to sleep, and misunderstanding. It’s important to use simple language and explain that death is a final and universal aspect of life.
To explain what “death” means, use clear, simple terms. Answer questions with straightforward, age-appropriate language. Giving space for your children to ask questions also allows you to better know what they believe and understand about death.
“Died” means that his body stopped working and the vet couldn’t fix it.”
Reassure Them of Their Safety: After a loss, children are often concerned about their own and your safety. Take the time to assure them that they are well, that you are well, and that you know and are working to always keep them safe.
Introduce Spiritual or Religious Beliefs: If your family holds specific spiritual or religious beliefs about death, you can use phrases like “I believe” or “In our religion, we believe.” This allows your child to understand these concepts that may be new to them.
Include Kids in Memorials: Allowing children to participate in memorials, funerals, or other ways of honoring the deceased pet helps them remember and celebrate the life of their beloved companion. Maybe it’s a letter posted on the fridge or a framed photo of them with the pet by their bed. Explain that talking about the pet we miss helps us to enjoy their memory and brings us feelings of happiness, even while it may also remind us of our pain.
Encourage Open Expression of Feelings: Create an environment where children feel safe discussing their emotions. Open conversations about the pet and their feelings will help them process their grief. If they see you avoiding the subject, they may get the message that it is taboo, or that you can’t handle their concerns alongside your own. Remember to emphasize that all feelings are temporary – and as hard as it feels right now – they won’t feel this way forever.
Share Your Own Feelings of Grief: It’s healthy for children to witness your own grief. Communicate your emotions in a way that feels safe and age-appropriate. Ensure your child knows that you are capable of taking care of yourself and them, regardless of your feelings. For example:
“I am sad because I really am going to miss Button. If you see me looking sad, that’s why but I also know how to take care of myself when I am sad – you don’t need to take care of me. I will take care of you no matter what feelings I am having.”
Be Patient and Leave Room for Grief: Grieving is a personal and lengthy process. Expect your child to bring up their loss for weeks or even months. Allow them to follow their unique timeline for grieving and processing.
Maintain Routines: Consistent routines provide children with a sense of safety and security during times of loss. While it’s tempting to create special events to cheer them up, remember that routines help them feel safe.
Normalize Death: Take advantage of everyday opportunities to discuss death in the context of nature. From a bug on the sidewalk to a plant in the park, opportunities to talk about death are everywhere. Normalizing death as a natural part of life helps children find peace and acceptance.
“What if my child doesn’t care about the death of our pet?”
It’s normal for younger kids to act as if nothing happened or appear to be unaffected by loss. Depending on their age and stage, being uniquely focused on themselves is normal – and not a sign that they are heartless! Continue to talk about the loss openly, but avoid pressuring your child to participate (or react) if they aren’t coming to it on their own.
For some young children, there may also be difficulty articulating feelings of loss. Be on the lookout for other signs of grief or anxiety, such as nightmares, difficulty with separations, or other challenging behaviors. If you see changes after a pet loss, try to allow your child to explore feelings in a safe space, like through play or art. You can also continue to create opportunities for them to share – like worry time at the end of the day (10 minutes where all worries are allowed), or create some special 1:1 unstructured time.
Helping children cope with pet loss and discussing death is a crucial aspect of their emotional development. By addressing this challenging topic openly, honestly, and with sensitivity, parents can equip their children with the emotional tools they need to navigate future experiences with loss.