Will My Child Make Friends?

As the new school year approaches, parents everywhere are seized with that familiar anxiety: will my child make friends? No matter their age, friendships are tricky work for children and parents.

Developmental phases matter.

Friendships are important at all stages of development, but they change and evolve over time. Proximity and shared activities constitute a friendship in early childhood, while middle childhood brings more complexity, and adolescence involves even more intimacy. There are many different models of the stages of friendship, but one common model identifies five stages: acquaintance, friendly, close, intimate, and mature.

Why do friendships matter for development?

Beyond the obvious - it feels good to have friends - research shows that friendships have many positive effects on health and achievement. Some specific examples include reduced stress and loneliness, improved physical activity and healthy eating, and greater resilience and academic achievement. From having someone to comfort you from a skinned knee, to having a study partner on a Saturday night, healthy friendships are a vital part of human development and should be nurtured throughout our lives.

What role do parents play in supporting friendships?

Observing and supporting your child’s friendships is an opportunity for parents to process and see social skill development from the sidelines. We can also help our children to learn important skills around negotiation, perspective taking, compromise, forgiveness, and cooperation…all while staying tuned in AND backing off. Research shows that children do better overall when parents get to know their friends and allow them the chance to experience the highs and lows of friendship drama within the safety of a strong parent-child relationship.

In the early years (age 3-5), parents can encourage children to play with others by finding activities that involve shared interests and multiple players. Parents can also begin to discuss the qualities of friends, and how different friends can make you feel different ways. 

In middle childhood (ages 6-12), parents can encourage children to join clubs or activities that interest them, talk regularly about friendship ups and downs, and offer suggestions around how to resolve conflicts that arise.

In later childhood (ages 13-18), parents can help their children to find friendships that support passions and interests, facilitate opportunity and space for their children to spend time with friends, and be a good listener (easy to talk to) to hold friendship drama.

At every age, we can all make peace with our own feelings about friendships. It’s important to remind ourselves that our children’s struggles are not about us, and that they will have their own experiences, triumphs, and disappointments. 

It is important to remember that every child is different. Temperament has a lot to do with not only how your child behaves among friends, but what company they seek. Make space to see your child for who they are and what they need, and offer them support to navigate their own way through relationships. Remember that helping them to develop the skills themselves, instead of stepping in to rescue, will serve them well at every age.