Not sure what gentle parenting actually means? You’re not alone.

Like everything around us these days, things in the parenting world are prone to extremes. In our Cooper Groups, we see a LOT of confused parents around what Gentle Parenting is and isn’t.

What is Gentle Parenting?

Gentle parenting is an approach to raising children that prioritizes empathy, validation, and respect in parent-child interactions. It emphasizes nurturing a strong, emotional connection with children, providing positive reinforcement, and discipline rather than punishment.

Sounds pretty good, right? When a theory comes into everyday parenting, it’s often not that simple.

The Problem 

In our work with parents, we see the paralyzing effect of a hyper focus on feelings - parents repeating “I know you feel sad” over and over and never making it out the door to school. Parents worrying that they will do irreparable harm if they sometimes need to pick their toddler up and get to daycare, or hold a boundary or limit that causes distress. Parents thinking that gentle techniques mean their child will never be in distress, get angry, or feel disappointment. None of this is helpful, or realistic.

Even if the intent behind gentle parenting is good, the pressure on parents to “parent the right way” is unprecedented. When gentle parenting is framed online and on social media as the best way to parent, it’s a recipe for guilt, shame, and confusion.

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Gentle Parenting Isn’t New. What Actually Matters?

The idea of paying attention to and connecting with our children around their feelings is NOT a new one. Swinging away from harsher parenting styles of the last century (parents in the early 1900s were even told to touch and play with their babies as little as possible), a new emphasis on understanding and sensitively responding to children emerged. Adults who had been parented without sensitivity craved the connection that they felt lacked in their early experiences. By 2011, Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, famously encouraged parents to “connect before you redirect” in their (at the time, revolutionary) book, The Whole Brain Child. Citing the importance of our children’s inner worlds, Siegel and Payne Bryson suggested that parents see behavior as communication, and seek the underlying cause of distress instead of getting stuck on the outward expression.

The Research Backing This

This notion was in keeping with over 50 years of research around parenting style, originating with psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s. According to Baumrind’s research, there are four core parenting styles:

Authoritarian Parenting:

- Highly demanding

- Very little warmth or sensitivity

- “Because I said so” parenting

Authoritative Parenting:

- Highly demanding, but also warm and sensitive

- Clear expectations for their child’s behavior

- Openness to compromise and open dialogue with their child

Permissive Parenting:

- Warm and responsive, but very few demands placed on their child

- Very few limits or boundaries for their child

Uninvolved:

- Both low responsiveness and low demandingness 

- Can be neglectful or rejecting of their child in extreme cases

Research has consistently found that authoritative parenting is linked to the most positive outcomes for children, including stronger academic and social emotional skills. 

Where things have gone wrong - especially since parents spent more time parenting during quarantine - is a misinterpretation of what this evidence-based authoritative approach actually is. At its core, it’s a BOTH, AND. It’s limits and sensitivity. It’s not all sensitivity all of the time.

Limits Are Essential

When done appropriately, limits provide children with a sense of safety and security through structure. This is not about enforcing limits with punishment, or giving kids time-outs. It is about having guardrails that help your child to understand and learn behavior. How you choose to establish and reinforce these is personal to your family, but for all of us, establishing limits is one of your most important responsibilities as a parent. By setting limits, you show your child that you want to protect them, and that you are willing to tolerate their discomfort if it means they will benefit in the long run. Having limits shows that you are parenting for the long-haul, not for the easy moment. Reasonable limits (like no throwing or adhering to a bedtime) help children to understand what behavior is acceptable. This allows them to regulate themselves to a “standard,” and toward clear expectations. Finally, Being clear with limits and expectations can improve the parent-child relationship, as there are less periods of disconnect when everyone is on the same page.

Where Gentle Parenting Gets Confusing

While Gentle Parenting (credited to British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith) supports the sensitivity and connection side of authoritative parenting, it is often used to justify languishing in a child’s feelings without the necessary guardrails and limits that research shows help children to regulate and organize themselves. It also does not honor the very real experience of parents in their own distress, dysregulated by their child's highly reactive and frustrating behavior. As a result, it often breeds feelings of shame and guilt when parents fail to maintain calm. 

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Focus on Authoritative Parenting Instead

Whatever you call it (or whatever it is being labeled on social media), practicing authoritative parenting is easier than you think. It’s an ever moving balance of limits and sensitivity - applied in real world situations. It’s not a perfect, therapist-syrupy voice you hear on every reel. It’s not parenting for those watching you, or to have your child always be happy. It’s a living, breathing, connection between you and your child that helps them to organize the world around them, and exist within it.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

So, next time you hear about Gentle Parenting, remember that validating your child’s feelings does NOT mean you don’t also have limits. Acknowledge and name your child’s feelings ONE time. Then, move on. This may mean something like, “I know you’re having fun and you want to stay at the party, but we still need to go. Leaving is hard, but we can do hard things.” Then, you can move your child’s attention away from the distress and onto the next activity. “Do you want to walk like a dinosaur to your stroller, or should I carry you?” And you’re out. They aren’t going for it and you yell? We all do! Repair. Say, “I’m sorry I raised my voice when I got upset. Sometimes that happens when I’m frustrated, but next time I’ll try and say it differently.”

For older children, you may say something like, “I understand how angry you feel that I won’t let you do that. It’s OK to be angry at me, but I’m not changing my mind. When you’re ready, I’m here to talk.” Remain present, remain available, but you don’t need to budge. We can show our children that we can tolerate their distress and survive.

In a Coop Group, we learn together, we work for balance, and we support all of the parenting moments - good, bad, ugly and victorious - we have every day. Without judgment, without shame and without striving for perfection, we can find the parenting style that feels right for us.

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