Will My First Baby Still Love Me? Preparing for a New Baby

Adding another baby to the family is supposed to be exciting... right? So why does it make us feel so anxious and worried?

It’s normal for a parent to worry about splitting their love and attention between their child and a new baby.

That is a natural feeling for all of us. When we can’t anticipate exactly how something will go - how our older child will react, how we will respond, how we will find enough hours in the day, etc. we become anxious. It is like a puzzle that your brain is constantly trying to solve, but doesn’t have all the pieces yet. 

Try and accept that anxiety for what it is - uncertainty. Be forgiving and say: “I am having lots of feelings about what this will be like, but I know I will do my best and be sensitive to everyone involved and try and figure out what works.” 

What do our first babies really need from us to feel secure when adding a sibling to the mix? Our older children need us to stay the same. What I find most is that it is the parents who change their behavior, not the new baby. All of a sudden the rules are different, the routines are gone, and parents are parenting from a place of guilt like they did something wrong. 

Having a sibling is a decision for your family - not something you did to your child. Stay the course and try not to change the rules of your house, make new allowances for things you didn’t before, or change your behavior drastically. It is comforting to your child to have consistency from you - especially in times of change. They thrive on their routines, and can be more regulated when they know what to expect. That doesn’t mean that nothing changes, but that not everything does.

Tips for Preparing Your Older Child:

1. Talk with your older child about what it was like when they were born. Look at photos together, talk about what happened, and ask them to participate in what will happen with their new sibling. Connection around how meaningful their birth was to you, can help your older sibling to feel connected to the process.

2. Be concrete about who they will be with while you’re in the hospital, and what things may be like when you are home. You don’t need to make it sound like everything will be the same, but also don’t want them to panic. Say things like, “you’ll still go to school everyday, but daddy will probably take you for a while since I will be tired to walk that far.” Or, “Grandma will be spending more time at our house, so we will have lots of dinners with her to help us get everything done.

3. Carve out special time 1:1. This can start before delivery, and after. Even just reading together for 10 minutes in the afternoon, or having breakfast together is special. Make sure it is just the two of you and a time where you can talk in a relaxed setting. 

4. Try not to start a new transition just as the new baby arrives. If you’re starting childcare, try to do so 6-8 weeks before the baby comes home, so that your older child can get the hang of things and have a routine down. Big transitions (like a new sibling, a new bed, a new house, a new school, etc.) can be harder to manage when they are combined!